I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
repaired