Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!