According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
You Might Also Like
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If looks could kill
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday