Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I love it all
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Don’t touch that.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?