[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.