Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Nice try, poison.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Happy Taco Tuesday
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future