date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
I love art.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.