“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
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I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone