Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.