Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Don’t talk down to me
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I have no passwords left in me
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.