I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Hmmmmm