Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
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So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Me when someone tries to get to know me
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part