(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I have obtained a hat
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what