I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year