#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My whole life was a lie.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.