My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Why does laundry happen to good people?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”