My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident