flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
adding to the discourse
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*