Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”