Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
😏😏😏
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.