2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Rooting for the overdog
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.