The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.