“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.