The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest