[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
You Might Also Like
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Sign of the day..
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac