All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?