ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
There’s never enough good news
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?