GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.