I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
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Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!