Mommy’s little speed bumps š¬
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, itās getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husbandās day off is not.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Salad is the decaf of food.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didnāt look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
āRethink this?ā buddy I didnāt even think this the first time
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & āweād love for you to resubscribeā letters every month.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: iām feeling ok
therapist: great! letās ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman thatās been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU