Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.