me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold