I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
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Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
just leave it at the foot of the bed
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.