#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media