Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.