Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.