PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You Might Also Like
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken