My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
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*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Always…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters