Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?