What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other