nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors