I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
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If you鈥檙e having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone鈥檚 telling their parents they鈥檙e a life coach
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.