Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”