I鈥檓 sorry but I love this one 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you鈥檇 rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Our homeowner鈥檚 association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don鈥檛 read email.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what鈥檒l it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if 鈥渓et鈥檚 have a follow-up meeting” helps
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I鈥檝e ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he鈥檚 asleep at the bottom.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The people at this winery are acting like they鈥檝e never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.