How about I get 100% off by already being there
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everyone’s a critic
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside