After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
my retirement plan is braless
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Breaking news:
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”