Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
😂😂😂
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person