That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
just make the entire table out of coaster
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮