Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
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me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!