Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit